la chouette bleue

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

To Portland.

I've been creatively stalling.

So, I crept through some old notebooks and found very few journal entries of my trip to the other side of the country.

I dated none of the entries. I randomly write down what we're listening to between thoughts.

As part of thoughts.

I'll leave everything completely unedited. It may not be perfect, but I was tired. It's true.

Without further ado, I give you a small piece of my life.

Monday night we packed up our car and left for our journey. We have pork roast, mashed potatoes and carrots with my mom, dad, Ryan and Laura before a little rest. When Maya fell asleep for the night we drove. Stopped around 4am at a hotel outside Chicago. Didn't get to see the city. Everything looks like Ohio.

Got up early the next morning and drove through Iowa. Stopped at a mall to walk around. Got my skirt stuck in my underwear twice. Nothing for miles but trees, fields and cows. Maya is being so good & having lots of fun.

It's all very romantical. Perfect weather. Clouds for miles. Clouds that, without the help of multiple cameras you couldn't see what I see right now. Even when it rains the sun shines. Maya has been laughing for three days straight. I'm reading, saving my pages with cards from my wedding.

Grateful Dead through Iowa. Zero 7 and Iron & Wine through Nebraska. Washing her bottles in a tiny sink with a tiny bottle of dish soap. She's snoring now. Sounds like a purring kitten. Sun on my skin and using my coat as a blanket. Bare feet on the headboard or the dashboard or leaving prints on the window.

The White Stripes!

I can picture tornados ripping through these fields. Black & white Dorothy-type movie sets that go on forever. Getting out of the car for the first time in the middle of nowhere sucks the air from your lungs. You are so freaking small. And for a moment it's terrifying, but soon you enough you wrap yourself in it like a towel. And you just know that this is where you're supposed to be in this very moment. When everything is right and good and everything. The Postal Service.

Today we left Cheyenne, WY for Idaho. Drove through Utah. Gorgeous. I wanted so badly to run from the car and cover myself in earthy, red dirt. Maya was over being in the car today. A little fussy, but after stopping and letting her jump & crawl she fell asleep to "Red Right Ankle" by the Decemberists. Drinking a bottle and holding my hand. This is the first time I think I can recall her ever legitimately seeking out my hand and holding it. I rubbed her arm. Exchanging glances with the mountains and the sunset. Get out of here. This is my life.

My heart is soaring. This is the most beautiful place I have ever seen. Maya needs a bath so bad. She has had one in some form every day except this last. And now she looks like a homeless person. After one day in a car. It's adorable. I look pretty gross, too, but I feel amazing with formula stains on my skirt. Rinsing out her bottles in a parking lot. My husband driving to three different places to piece together what we want for dinner. Falling asleep after the first sip of beer. Jamming out to Miley Cyrus on the radio after thinking previously that my stream of thoughts was very reach for the stars Hannah Montana bullshit. It's true though. This is, has been fantastic. A family adventure. A journey to a new life. Or rather a continuation of this one. Like an afghan. Switching up the color of the crochet pattern halfway through.

Five.

My friend, Heather, recently posted a list of Ten Rules for Life that reminded her of me. It not only made my day, but also gave me that extra push I needed to put together my own list. Something which, oddly enough, I had been already thinking about doing.

You see, there have been more than a handful of people around me hurting lately. Feeling bad about the choices they've made. Uncertain of how they could ever reverse damage they've done to themselves and others. How does one pull themselves up if they see themselves as a "bad person"?

I tell you what, I am not a great or perfect person. I have done my fair share of hurtful things. I've been hurt. It doesn't take much to turn it around. There's no need to shell out major money for therapy. There are small, super-powerful things you can do to change. If I can do it, believe me, so can you. I have put together a list of five things you can start doing RIGHT NOW to live an awesome life.

1.) Use less.

Start small. Turn off the water while brushing your teeth. Reuse a cottage cheese container for your leftovers. Try not pulling half the roll of toilet paper off the tube every time. Get yourself reusable grocery bags...and remember to actually take them into the store. These things may seem silly, and maybe almost pointless, but when they start adding up make a big difference. Not only for you, but the collective.

2.) Give more.

Split half of your sandwich with someone who didn't eat today. Dig through the piles of clothes you've got laying around. Clean out your cupboards and under your bathroom sink. Get rid of what you are not using. Simplify your life. Make someone's day better while cleaning out your closet...literally and metaphorically.

3.) Change shape.

Patterns are everywhere. Human beings cling so desperately to their routines. You wake up late for work so you stub your toe, spill your coffee and run a red light. You curse the day because your patterns were disrupted and now there's no way you'll get back on track.

Screw the track, man. Humans can adapt to new surroundings. They just choose not to. Take a different way home from work. Have a bagel and juice instead of coffee and cereal. Purposely pick a movie you wouldn't normally watch. Wear bright green nail polish instead of your usual pink.

If you are aware of the snags and "issues" in your life, but have no idea how to fix them this will help. Switching it up and tricking your mind will open your eyes to the possibilities just outside your peripheral vision. Within these possibilities could lie the answer to your problems or offer and alternative path in which to cope.

4.) Say yes.

This is a common one. Stop being afraid to say yes to new things. Take that leap already and begin to do the things you've always secretly dreamed of doing. It's much easier to adjust to the cold water if you just jump on in.

5.) Say no.

Be firm. Put your foot down and stop letting people walk all over you. This doesn't mean to give up your kindness. Just be aware of those around you who drain your spirit. If you truly care for these people the best thing you can do to help them is to say goodbye. Indulging their behavior only reinforces it. You deserve to be happy and if there are people standing in the way of your goals you must let them go. As the saying goes, "You cannot save people. Only love them." - Anais Nin

Friday, February 08, 2013

L'amour.

I love...love.

I love being in love. I love my friends. My baby.

I love little red and pink hearts. Construction paper, lace doilies, glue sticks and glitter. Chocolate covered cherries, strawberries and smooches. Red wine and pasta dishes. Tomatoes, garlic, olive oil and sex on a plate. Big bouquets of floral sprays spelling out what words can't say. Young men with tattoos holding doors for old ladies. Lighting cigarettes for future lovers. Bourbon breath whispers and vodka spilling over the sides of martini glasses. Wearing all the rings you've given to yourself on both hands. Nervously-chipped nail polish awaiting that 4am phone call. Blankets, pillows and cold toes. Love is all around. Wearing many masks and at times denying its own existence. Shown in the lines on my face and in the twinkle of an eye.
It's real-life magic, my friends.

Go on out there and get you some.

6 Anatomy Magnets from Art Altered ($5.99)

Fox Face Mary Janes from Em & Sprout ($28)

Cigarettes & Booze from Locher's ($59)

Steak Necklace from The Spangled Maker ($26)

Organic Donut Rattles from Oompa ($26)

Bloody Script Bow Clip from Licorice Jewelry ($9.60)

Astronaut Love Mug from Bread & Badger ($20)

Deer Tattoo Chest Piece Necklace from Licorice Jewelry ($33.60)

I & Love & You - The Avett Brothers

God Only Knows - The Beach Boys

Bruises - Chairlift

I Got You Babe - Sonny & Cher

Can't Help Falling in Love - Ingrid Michaelson

Home - Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros

If You Ain't Got Love - Mason Jennings

I Hope This Gets to You - The Daylights

Harvest Moon - Neil Young

Do You Wanna Dance - The Mamas & the Papas

Ho Hey - The Lumineers

Your Song - Elton John

Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Happy Valentine's Day.
Take care of your heart today.

Friday, February 01, 2013

Four Books That Influenced My Feminism

Pink Think: Becoming a Woman in Many Uneasy Lessons

by Lynn Peril

A look into the world of marketing towards women dating from the 1940's and on. Pink Think questions the motives behind the soft, submissive, blushing lines of girlhood. I have never been apologetic about my scabbed knees and bruised shins, but I have questioned why others saw these as flaws. This book is an eye opener in terms of seeing the intention of everyday media and shining a light on the neat, little boxes we're supposed to fit in.

Bare: On Women Dancing, Sex and Power

by Elisabeth Eaves

A peek behind the curtain, Bare, explores the power of the female body and the industry behind it. Eaves gives firsthand accounts of what it means to be seen as a pair of breasts and a set of legs in today's culture.

Cunt: A Declaration of Independence

by Inga Muscio

If you know me well you already know this book. Gun to my head I'd claim it as my favorite. Read at a time when the world was a spinning cesspool of hormonal lust laughs, Miss Muscio made sense. Lady love over here begins by breaking down the origin of words that today make soccer moms cringe. From there she shares stories dealing with the "complications" and misunderstandings that come from owning your very own cunt. I swear on my female bits that this piece of literature changed my life.

Rise of the Trustfall
by Mindy Nettifee

This book of poems is magical. Mindy carefully weaves stories of heartbreak and triumph with her words.

"There is no breakthrough without breakdown."

Watch her in action here:
The First Time

We are all on drugs.

I finally realized the other day why my Dad didn't want to listen along as a younger version of myself discovered the joys of Weezer or other bands of my formative years. It wasn't that he didn't like music. He's always had a vast library of songs from years past. He simply didn't have time appreciate the angst-filled heartbreak that Rivers Cuomo so deliciously delivered.

He was too busy worrying about switching from cable to satellite...again...or what the neighbor's lawn looked like.

As I walk the cold, uneven pavement of Medina I often observe the neat rows of cars filling the driveways. All of the roads named for trees that no longer live here. I imagine what each house could be busy doing. What brings everyone together tonight? A Tupperware party? A book club meeting? Maybe a group of middle-aged housewives are blushing over a pile of marked-down neon-colored vibrators and talking about the sex they don't have? All while drowning their worries in chip dip and boxed wine.

It's all the same. Somewhere along the line we just start ordering our lives from catalogs. Prepackaged notions of what it all should look like. For only three payments of $19.95 + S&H.

Somehow THOSE things become more important than actual moments, real feelings. If you managed to escape it in or after high school it's there waiting for you to move on in to the suburban dream. To fill your garage with the most impressive power tools and closet full of safe, business-casual attire.

So, to the king of the road over there, "The World Has Turned and Left Me Here" sounded like a bunch of whiny assholes who needed to grow up and start balancing a check book already. "We Are All On Drugs" spoke for itseḷf, never intending to cater to grown-ups anyway.

I come to you today open, honest, and genuine. With my words, music and playthings I try to be me. What feels right and natural. I allow my whole self to shine through.

I recognize the importance of expression.

"One day", he said, "you'll get your head out of the clouds."

"Someday you'll stop living in a dream world."

Twenty-some years later, no such luck.

You don't have to think inside the box or even outside--as they often tell the free-spirited. It really doesn't even have to be a box. It could be a bag. Whatever it is, we don't have to subscribe to the idea that we shouldn't be what we are, who we are.

All of the beauty waiting to burst forth should not be contained.